Paranoia and Stress...

The last month or so hasn't exactly been filled with candy, sunshine, and puppy dogs for me. I've gone through a bit of trauma over the last bunch of weeks and as a result I think I've shouldered some stress that I don't think I'd normally face. Loosing my car, my girlfriend, and a job opportunity doesn’t exactly make a picnic. Not to mention, the added financial stress of getting a new ride, doing some repairs to it and the fun of holiday shopping all add up to a few extra miles of wrinkles on the 'ol forehead. Don't get me wrong some of this stuff has actually been good for me too, and has brought me some new opportunities to consider so it hasn't been all bad either.

The reason I mention it though, is because of my heart condition. I've been experiencing some discomfort via muscle pain in my chest and lungs. Some of it has been heartburn like pain, while other times I feel isolated places of pain much like the feeling of a small marble underneath the skin right on the rib cage. Of course any time I feel pain or discomfort in my chest area, I need to examine and evaluate type of pain so I can try to rule out angina as the source for the discomfort. If I'm suffering angina, that means I'll likely be admitted to the hospital again, put through a battery of tests and then subjugated to more time off from work for additional rehabilitation. This in itself generates its own stress, making me wonder if my worrying is actually causing the "alleged" condition to worsen.

The other part of my worry is centered on the fact that I haven't had the time to do enough exercise recently, and combined with less than spectacular eating habits, I am panicking that I am hastening my approach to an early demise. Of course when I look at everything with a more constructive approach it is not as bad as all that. The fact that I am suffering from abnormal chest pains makes me a little paranoid and I can't help but wonder if I could be doing more to keep this from happening. I should increase the physical activity and add more greens to the diet and take away a little more red meat. I need to use less salt, reduce coffee intake and stop immersing myself in a smoky bar environment to play darts in.

My weight hasn't gone up so that at least is a comfort, but I do worry about keeling over if I go to hard on the exercise. I’d rather not push my heart with activity until I know what’s going on. The fear just seems to build on itself doesn't it? So after putting myself through some mental gymnastics over what I'm doing right and what I can do better, I've decided that it is time for me to see my cardiologist again. You would think that wouldn't be such a hard thing to do.

Let me tell you, they are not easy folks to make an appointment with. I was supposed to have one back in August after I finished my initial round of rehabilitation. I didn't make it, missed my appointment, and didn't get around to rebooking it till the end of September. Well, it was bloody difficult trying to get a hold of the nurse that is assisting Dr Boyne. When I called she told me that Dr Boyne hadn't made up his fall schedule for clinic appoints yet and that I would be at the top of the list when he did. Well, I didn't hear anything over the course of the next month and a half. She said she would call me to let me know what appointment she had reserved for me. In that time I also had my car accident and was without wheels for about a month too. So I wasn't actually rushing to get it booked again, especially knowing that just getting there would be a pain. Well, the middle of November rolls around, and now I'm having these irregular chest pains. I'm thinking that now is a good time to follow up on that booking.

I placed a call to Dr Boyne’s office and I didn't hear back from the nurse for almost a week. This week I finally talk to her, and she has "graciously" squeezed me in for an appointment in December. She makes it sound like she was doing me a huge favor too. This appointment didn't exist until she went to bat for me. Ummmm.... wasn't I supposed to be at the top of the list back in September? Weren’t you supposed to give me a call to let me know what you had slotted me in for? Did you forget and now I’m stuck holding the shitty end of the stick? What the hell? She didn't have anything earlier than the 20th of December either. So I tell her that I'm not feeling that good either and would like to get in sooner. Her response: "Go see your family doctor if you're not feeling good". If I had been clutching my chest on the floor, she just would have said to go to the hospital. What the heck do I need a cardiologist for if I can just go see my family doctor? Is this chick for real? Admittedly I wouldn't be in this situation if I had just stayed on top of my appointment back in August and made sure to re-book right away when I originally missed it to begin with. So yes, some of the blame is my fault. Still, I figured that the cardiologist would really like to see me if I'm over due by 3 months for an appointment. I mean it's not exactly like I'm over due for an appointment to get a wart looked at or anything... it is my frickin' heart after all. sheesh!

Anyway... I think my worry is probably over nothing. When I first started taking this heart medication, I was told that there would be some side effects. I might experience some muscle pain, and discomfort as well as a gaseous feeling as well. I have noticed that when I burp my "marbles of pain" disappear and I feel better immediately. So I'm sure that this is only a temporary condition. Still, it would make me feel a whole lot better to see my doctor about this. I guess I will be making that appointment to see my family doctor after all.

I think as I get older I think I am turning into a hypochondriac. I remember being a kid and never really paying attention to the things my body was telling me. I couldn't tell what was normal or what wasn't. I couldn't tell that my body was running in over drive if I went out drinking for the weekend and only managed 4 or 5 hours sleep each night. I wouldn't have realized that a daily bowel movement is a healthy thing. I picked up on the obvious stuff of course. If you broke your arm or leg, you knew that wasn't normal. When you sneezed you figured you were getting a cold and were probably right. Muscle pain was something that happened when you worked out too hard or went to crazy with the extreme sports. It also went away. Now I seem to freak out over stuff that would never have bothered me before. Mortality seems to be a bigger concern these days. I do know that these “marbles of pain” in my chest are not normal - that worries me. I might be paranoid but I somehow suspect that is a better choice than ignoring the warning signs until it is too late to do something about it.